You Can’t Keep the Good Feelings and Delete the Rest (Nice Try!)

I watched a fictional movie about a goblin who longs to experience human emotions. She sees feelings as a unique gift that makes life meaningful.

Yet in my work, I often hear a very different wish: “How can I stop feeling - angry, sad, anxious, jealous?”

If there were a magic pill that could eliminate all your feelings (both good and bad), would you take it? Most people hesitate. They might say, “I want to keep the good feelings, just not the bad ones.” But in reality, it doesn’t work that way. Without the contrast of difficult emotions, we wouldn’t recognize how meaningful joy, hope, and passion truly are. So, does the role of so-called “negative” feelings simply help us to appreciate the “positive” ones?

According to Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), there are no “good” or “bad” emotions, but emotions arise when our needs are met or not. In other words, feelings are signals. “Positive” feelings often indicate that our needs are being fulfilled, while “negative” feelings point to needs that are unmet.

Think of it like physical hunger. Hunger, a bodily sensation / feeling, isn’t good or bad. It simply signals that our body needs food. The solution isn’t to judge or suppress the hunger, but to satisfy the unmet needs by eating. In the same way, our emotions are constantly giving us information. Instead of trying to eliminate uncomfortable feelings, we can be curious about feelings that are telling us. After all, hunger doesn’t disappear just because we label it as “bad” or “inconvenient.” If we ignore it, the hunger may escalate to - hello, hangry. Our emotions work much the same way. When needs are unmet, feelings don’t vanish; they just get louder.

This is why the classic therapy question, “How does that make you feel?” (yes, it made me want to roll my eyes and cringe) might actually be more meaningful than it sounds.When we connect with our feelings, we gain insight into whether our needs are being met. If they aren’t, we can take steps to care for them. As our needs are addressed, our emotional experience naturally shifts (So, maybe we don’t need to cancel our feelings after all.)

For many of us, especially if we didn’t grow up learning the language of emotions, even identifying feelings can be challenging. If naming emotions feels overwhelming, it can help to start simple. Try using five core emotions: joy, sadness, fear, anger, and disgust. (If you’ve seen Inside Out, these might sound familiar.) These core feelings form the foundation of our emotional experience and can be a helpful starting point for self-awareness.

By listening to our feelings, we deepen our connection with ourselves rather than fighting against or shutting down a part of who we are. Our full range of emotions might even make the goblin jealous.